Monday, November 07, 2005

On Becoming a Mom

There are a few things that surprise me about being a mom. I was ready for it to be a lot of work. Somehow, people always tell you that. Another mom also told me that I would fall in love. That it would be like a love affair. I was skeptical, but she was right and I was not that suprised.

I think what suprises me most is the intimacy of the relationship between mother and child. I did not experience this with my own mother in my memory. To a certain extent every mother and child must have this experience. I mean, you SHARE A BODY for 9 months.

Ok, Tim (my brother), here's your WARNING if you are reading this. You do NOT want to read the next paragraph. It will be TMI for you. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Maybe it is because I have a scorpio moon and ascendant, but I am finding motherhood to be the most intimate relationship I've ever had. (Not in a weird way. In a good way.) I've had me some relationships that are pretty intimate, including the one with my dear husband. But, come on, let's get real. In addition to the first 9 months, ZV and I share DNA. And beyond that, he ate off of me exclusively for another 6 months and still nurses for much of his nourishment. We also do a certain amount of attachment parenting, so he has slept next to me from pretty much day 1. The very first 4 months of his life, we were probably only separated for perhaps 1 hour all totalled up in any one 24-hour time span. (Stupid work had to harsh that gig.) Before he was born, I had 9 months of sickness, discomfort, 50 lbs of weight gain, swollen ankles, hemorrhoids, heartburn, and I don't even know what else. I had 33 hours of labor: 27 natural, then an epidural, then a cesearian. After that, I got an infection and was laid up for about 4 weeks. After that, my back gave out. I would not do this for any other man, that's for sure. But I would do it for ZV again if I had to.

Ok Tim, you can read from here.

In fact, it's now 2:00 am. I have to work in the morning. We've been up for about an hour already. We are regularly up at this time. I haven't slept through the night for, oh I dunno, about 10 months. And I'm not even mad at him. He's pretty darn cute. Here he is right now:

I know our relationship will change as the months and years pass. That's normal. Another friend said motherhood is a process of gradual letting go. But I do hope we stay close. I hope we've laid a strong foundation. I think cosleeping helps. I was raised in a very different time, so I understand the choices my parents made. I remember being little and scared in the middle of the night, but I don't ever remember climbing into bed with them. Maybe it happened, but if it did, it certainly wasn't often. I hope our sons remember this time as happy, warm, and close, with everything else thrown in. And I hope they think of our home as a safe place to open their minds, arms, and hearts.

Well, he's getting cranky. So maybe I will get some sleep!


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